I started Father’s Day with a prayer. “Please, God, save my baby. Help me to carry this child.” I had only known I was pregnant for four days and it was already not going well. My husband and I had one day of celebration, but by the next, my gut was telling me something was wrong. I thought that I was crazy. Maybe I was just having the normal worries of a first time mother. I had never been pregnant before so I had no idea what a “normal” pregnancy was supposed to feel like, let alone a pregnancy loss.
Fear and Confusion
Two days before Father’s Day we drove anxiously to the ER because I was cramping and spotting. I knew something was wrong and I told my husband while sobbing that I needed to see a doctor. My general practitioner would not see me, nor would my obstetrician, so we were stuck going to the ER.
Through all of this craziness, my husband was my rock. I knew that he was scared, too, but he stayed strong for the both of us. The doctor could not say I was having a miscarriage—but she also could not say I was not having a miscarriage. My husband and I walked to the Cathedral in downtown Lansing and prayed. We asked God to bless our child and to help us get through this time of uncertainty.
The next day was a little better. We were celebrating our three-year anniversary and I was not feeling any worse, so we chose to hold onto hope that the baby would be ok. We ate at one of our favorite restaurants and I had a cheeseburger with garlic mashed potatoes. I remember it clearly because my husband and I laughed that I was already having crazy cravings. That night, while we slept, my husband held me and our baby tightly.
Father’s Day arrived and I awoke to constant cramping. There I was, in the bathroom praying and crying, knowing that my baby was gone. I forced myself not to pee in hopes that somehow I could “hold” the baby in. This was my husband’s first Father’s Day and I did not want to ruin it for him, so I put on a brave face.
We went to mass as usual and I tried not to cry when I saw the other mothers holding their babies. But, the pain was intense—and I am a terrible liar. My husband could tell that I was in pain and something was wrong. We were home when I finally broke down and told him that the baby was gone. We took turns sobbing on each other’s shoulders.
Opening the Doors for Help
No one can prepare you for the physical and emotional pain that comes with a miscarriage. My husband was extremely supportive—he allowed me to fall apart when I needed to and he took me to doctors appointments. My mom was also there for me during some of my darkest moments. I called her everyday for a month just to cry or vent about my frustrations.
Whether it is a spouse, partner, friend, or relative, I can’t stress the importance of finding someone that you can reach out to. I would not have made it without my husband and my mom’s help, listening ears, and shoulders to cry on. Please, do not suffer alone.
My OB recommended that I talk to a therapist and I am so glad that I did. Even though my husband and my mother were a great support system, I needed an outside perspective to help me grieve as well. If you need a recommendation, ask your OB or try one of these Lansing area postpartum resources. It really helps to have someone who you can be completely honest with and who can help you through this great loss.
Remaining Grateful for What I Have
It has been four years since I miscarried. Since then, I have had a beautiful son and I am currently pregnant with our third. I will always have an ache in my heart for the baby I lost and will have to wait to meet in Heaven. Each pregnancy after that loss has been scary because I know that nothing is guaranteed. I will never stop missing my baby, but I am grateful that my sons have a guardian angel to watch over them.