Dear Mama in Waiting,
Yes, I am calling you a Mama, and you know what? You deserve that, you deserve to have that title- that name. There are so many things I want to say to you. I see you everyday and no words come out, but I want you to know I’ve been there and what you are going through is not lost on me. So this one is for you, the Mama in waiting.
You attend baby showers and handle announcements with grace, while you silently cry on the inside until you can be alone to truly let it out. Family keeps asking you if and when you plan to have kids. You want to tell them the truth. The truth is, you would love to have kids and are trying with everything in you to make that happen. Instead of correcting them, you politely say when it is meant to be. Why don’t they understand the angst their question causes?
I remember attending the showers and feeling like that would never be me. To carefully open a pink or blue bag filled with rattles and onesies and feel the excitement and love surrounding this miracle.
You have to poke yourself every single day with needles that would scare grown men. They are uncomfortable, exhausting, and irritating in that they are making your body do something it should just do on its own. The hormones make you “yell cry” at your boss (yes that is a thing) and the bloating is ridiculous. How can you look pregnant already before it even happens? Why can’t your body make and grow a baby?
You are a Mama in Waiting
I remember being terrified of the shots and not thinking I couldn’t do it. I also remember feeling so jealous of every single person who got pregnant without fail. Why was my body so broken? I would even snap at my husband when he would hit on me and say, “Let’s make a baby.” Um, my body doesn’t do that, remember?
I remember the posttraumatic stress of being pregnant after losses. The never fully embracing because you can’t bear to lose this one. Announcing seemed like a death sentence- this dance with fate I wanted no part of. It was like I had this constant voice reminding me not to get too excited.
You check the toilet paper every time you wipe. Was that a light shade of pink or is the lighting playing games with you? You bought the $90 heart monitor and listen to it 6 times a day to make sure everything is ok. The love/hate relationship with ultrasounds is a struggle. What if something is wrong? Another loss would kill you.
You Will Be A Mama
You will be a mama and you will find a way to pursue and keep fighting for what you want. The road will be long and change you in many ways, but you are a warrior. You will cry, you will have hard days, and you will have hopeful days, but your time will come.
I remember holding him for the first time after my body did this incredible thing. Years of praying, yearning, pleading with God, and here he was. He was this force of life I was meant to find.
The journey was long and when I see you, I wish you didn’t have to walk similar paths. I need you to know I see you, I pray for you, I yearn with you. Until you are holding your sweet babe, I’m not going anywhere. So if you need me, to talk, to yell, to vent, I’ll be here.
A fellow infertile warrior