Year 37 was a lost year for me. I felt lost in who I was. I felt lost with friendships. I felt lost as a mom at times. I felt lost as a spouse. I just felt lost. I felt like, “I am 37 and what do I have to show for it? What impact have I made? What do I have to be proud of?”
Please, do not get me wrong. I have a wonderful family, a beautiful home, a truly amazing support system, and wonderful friends. But during this time of feeling lost I did not know where I was going or how I was feeling. And then I knew, I had to spend time finding myself. I needed to figure out ME.
Finding Kelli
Part of feeling lost was that I tied my identity to other people or things for a long time. I spent the last 11 years being Adrianna’s mom, or 13 years as Frank’s girlfriend, or 10 years as Coach Kel. I didn’t know who I really was or where I was going or what I wanted to do. At 37, I felt like I should have everything together and I felt FAR from that. I share this all because I am sure I am not alone in these feelings.
One night, I was sitting on the porch and breaking down to my cousin. I remember telling her everything I was feeling. My cousin is one of my best friends, and she said, “Kel, your mom would tell you to get your sh*t together and I am too. Who cares where you were? Pull yourself together right now. Accept where you are and if you do not like it, take action to make a move.” I realized how real and true that advice was.
A New Chapter
I was SO READY to turn 38 and be able to have a fresh start! In order to have a fresh start, I need to make things happen. I had things I needed to say, accept, and let go of. All of these pieces were needed in order for me to move forward.
When I was 37 I felt lost, stuck, angry, hopeless at times, and left wondering what in the world I was doing. So what did I do to move forward?
I got REALLY real with myself, thought about these questions, and gave honest answers:
- What did I want? What did I NOT want?
- What did I like about this past year? What did I NOT like about this past year?
- What is serving me? What do I need to let go of?
- What can I give myself grace on?
- What do I need to apologize for and let it fly?
- How did I want 38 to be different? What would year 38 look like for Kelli?
I was honest with myself. Tough conversations and real talks with myself happened a lot. I found myself being more real, raw, and messy than I already was. I wanted to figure out what had to go and what I, Kelli, needed the most.
Making Changes
Once I had these honest talks with myself, I realized the things that I wanted and needed in my life moving forward. Friendships that were authentic. A place (like Lansing Mom) to be a part of, to not only fill my cup, but help fill others’. Stop depending on other people or wishing for something to happen and start acting. Say “no” more instead of “sure, I can do that.” Stop being so dang complacent.
Has it been easy? HECK NO. Besides my mom passing, this has been one of the hardest years for me, just figuring out ME again. Something that helped me a lot throughout this time islistening to Mel Robbins’ podcast. I am ready and determined to make year 38 great. This is my year for ME.
If you are struggling to figure out who you are, I feel you. I do. It can be hard, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, as dark as it may seem right now. Act. Dig. Be honest and real, and open up to someone you trust. There’s always a way out of feeling lost.
