I am a mom and I am parenting through trauma survival. What do I mean by that exactly? I am learning to be a parent at the same time that I am learning more about my own childhood and the abuse I experienced during it. Over the years, I tried a lot of different therapies, but none have been nearly as impactful as the last six years – after my transition to EMDR therapy. I want to share my story about how EMDR has helped me and why I recommend it for moms with traumatic pasts.
The Prevalence of Trauma
According to the CDC, 40% of Americans have experienced at least 4 Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs. ACEs are one way the trauma-informed community has recently begun to assess and measure childhood trauma. Examples of these ACEs include experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect, witnessing violence in the home or community, and having a family member attempt or die by suicide. Less extreme examples include having parents get divorced or having an addict in the house.
Why has looking into the impact of childhood trauma become so important, recently? The CDC also says, “ACEs can have lasting, negative effects on health, well-being, as well as life opportunities such as education and job potential. Toxic stress from ACEs can negatively affect children’s brain development, immune systems, and stress-response systems. These changes can affect children’s attention, decision-making, and learning.”
To put it more plainly, almost half of the adults walking around today are carrying childhood trauma of some sort, and are most likely suffering in ways they don’t even know. And for those of us who are keenly aware of our suffering, the solution may not be as obvious. When you add in the extra pressures and potential triggers of becoming a parent and parenting young children, the potential for those childhood traumas to resurface increases.
A New Way of Healing
I’ve been involved in some type of therapy for the better part of the last 25 years. None of it has been nearly as impactful as the last six years – after my transition to EMDR therapy. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Wikipedia describes EMDR as, “A form of psychotherapy in which the person being treated is asked to recall distressing images; the therapist then directs the patient in one type of bilateral stimulation, such as side-to-side eye movements or hand tapping.”
The idea behind EMDR, as I understand it, is that “normal,” or non-traumatic memories get processed and stored in the correct healthy place. Traumatic memories can often get stored in an extremely raw and vivid form. This results in them being stored in an unhealthy “place” in our brain. There, they can lead the patient to become easily triggered, as in PTSD, and often suffer with disabling flashbacks.
How EMDR Works
During appointments, the patient is asked to focus on a “target.” The target can be a feeling about yourself, a specific memory or a vague feeling that is bothering you. As you move through each target verbally, you’re asked to follow a blinking light with your eyes or listen to alternating sounds. The therapist records your thoughts and feelings and helps you use them to lead you to the next. This process, if effective, “moves” the traumatic memory to a healthier spot in your brain. This makes it not so traumatic when you recall it naturally the next time.
When I was introduced to this type of therapy, I will admit it seemed a bit…”out there.” After doing more research, I learned about its success with battle veterans who were experiencing PTSD. I decided to be open minded and give it a whirl. At that time in my life, I was a new mom and was determined to get myself to a healthier place for the sake of my daughter. What follow are three reasons why I recommend EMDR therapy for moms:
A Deeper Way to Directly Address Daily Triggers of Motherhood
Traditional therapy sessions were a great way to put a Band-Aid on my day-to-day triggers, loneliness, and stress. They weren’t, however, effective in providing long-term progression of my quality of life. Once I started with an EMDR Certified Therapist, I could consistently and quickly see improvements in my ability to move through the world with the memories of my abuse. My most painful memories weren’t gone, but just didn’t seem as life-altering when they came up. I am now able to acknowledge they exist, talk about how sad they are, and quickly move on in a way that feels safe.
You Can Often Feel the Progress in Real Time
As I mentioned, the contrast EMDR provided from the results of more traditional therapy was great. There were plenty of sessions, both virtual and in-person, that ended with me having a new-found sense of mourning for something I may have discovered in the session. I understand on the surface the idea of more sadness after a therapy session doesn’t sound like a win. But many times accepting the sadness of what came up in that session, also “released” it. You may leave feeling the heaviness of what you were addressing. But often you may never have to address the same memory more than once – it’s been reprocessed.
Provides Coping Strategies for Handling Triggers that Occur Between Sessions
While in traditional therapy, I wasn’t learning productive coping mechanisms. I needed tools would help me handle triggering moments that came with motherhood. For me, these moments were often bathing my daughter, bedtime or getting her dressed. All moments that should be beautiful and innocent between mothers and daughters. I was missing out on these milestones because I would often be in a state of panic or anxiety. Through my work with EMDR, I was able to learn practical strategies for moving through these triggers. And it was in a way that did not impact my daughter negatively and allowed me to enjoy them again.
Too Good to Be True?
If my description of EMDR until this point sounds like rainbows and butterflies, don’t be mistaken. The benefits of my EMDR experience were real and lasting. However, as with anything worth having, this therapy takes effort and often the work is extremely emotionally taxing. For me, the improvements from EMDR were often sprinkled with the devastation that comes with reliving some of the hardest times of my childhood. Also, the reprocessing of these traumatic memories lasts beyond the 50 minute appointment. Patients often describe feeling fatigued and tired for a few days after a particularly impactful session. Overall, the long term growth was worth the short term struggle, given I was already in a place of darkness when I began EMDR.
Since the memories of my abuse resurfaced seven years ago, I’ve made it my goal to normalize conversations about childhood sexual abuse and the trauma it can create. I have hope that more talk will equate to less abuse in the future. Goals for the future are important and necessary for change. However, impactful solutions for what we’re still experiencing today are just as crucial. So if you’re wrestling with trauma while also wrestling with parenthood, do yourself, and maybe even your family a favor and see if EMDR therapy may be right for you.
For more information, check out the book Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro, one of the pioneers of EMDR. To find an EMDR therapist in your area, log on to Find an EMDR Therapist – EMDR International Association (emdria.org).
