I spent a lot of time in the newborn phase waiting for the next big thing to happen. I couldn’t wait for her to sleep through the night. For her to be able to talk and tell me what was wrong when she was crying. To start crawling. To start walking. But then I realized each phase I had been waiting for came with the flip side: she wouldn’t stop talking and she wouldn’t sit still. Of all the phases I waited for, I could have waited a few more years for the pre-tween stage to start. Adrianna will be eleven in May, however, we have been in the pre-tween phase for the past two years, and this came MUCH sooner than I had anticipated.
Today, I want to talk about this pre-tween phase. Please note, I am not an expert and 99% of the time I have no clue what I am doing. However, I want to share my experience to potentially help other moms who are also wondering, “Where in the heck did my sweet little angel go?”
Signs of Entering the Pre-Tween Stage
There are a few things I noticed when my daughter was entering the pre-tween stage. The first one was when I would check on Adrianna during her bath time a few years back, she would cross her legs or cover up. She also got very private when it came to changing her clothes. This was something she had not ever done before.
Then came the rollercoaster of emotions. At first, it started with her feelings being hurt more easily than before. Then, random bad days at school would lead to a flood of emotions when she got home. Before I knew it this was becoming a more regular thing. I began to realize what the heck is starting to happen, but was in denial because it seemed too early!
The final sign for me was the sass. It was essentially like going back to the sassy toddler years. After about a year I learned to decipher between Adrianna’s “attitude” sass and “hormonal” sass. One is super intentional (attitude sass) and the other is, at this point, totally out of her control (the hormonal sass).
Tips for Handling the Pre-Tween Years
There are a few things I’ve learned in my time as a pre-teen mom that I want to share with you:
- Run! Quick! JUST KIDDING! What I am learning is to have an abundance of patience. Take what you thought you had during the toddler years and multiply it by ten. Patience is your bestie. Your pre-tween doesn’t understand fully what’s going on with them, and likely you’re just figuring it out too.
- Learn the differences between hormonal sass and attitude sass. This has been a game changer for me. Being able to tell the difference can help you when you’re responding to a situation.
- TALK. TALK. TALK. My child is not a talker. I tried the books and I tried random conversations. What worked well for Adrianna is sharing my experiences with her. Letting her know I can relate to her on those feelings helps her to feel connected and open up.
- You know that supportive mom friend you’ve got in your corner?! Call her. Vent. Let those frustrations out! It’s okay to feel these emotions because it isn’t always easy.
- Walk away when you need to. This has been my latest strategy. Walking away helps avoid an even bigger blow up than is already happening.
A Few More Tips
The pre-tween phase is starting very early for kids now. Every child is different, but it started at about nine for Adrianna. This was way earlier than I anticipated. For most of us mama bears, we did not deal with this until between 12 and 14.
Even though I am scared of what might be coming at me, Adrianna is as well. I started listening to an audiobook called The Emotional Lives of Teenagers by Lisa Damour, Ph.D.and it has been super eye opening and helpful. Seek out information from professionals to help answer your questions and ease your fears.
What I have found most helpful is to remember how I felt in this phase: totally out of control of my body, probably a little scared, all with a side of being 100% awkward. These pre-tweens are more than likely feeling the same thing. Just remember at the end of the day we’re all doing our best.
