I had just returned from a week-long trip of spending time with my niece and nephew while my sister and her husband were on vacation. I was fatigued and nauseous. Watching my own three-year-old plus an additional preschooler and a nine-year-old with no help and not in my own home had left me feeling exhausted. That had to be it right? A couple of days of being home and I surely would feel like myself again.
Wrong.
A couple of days passed and I still couldn’t shake the tiredness. And why did the thought of food repulse me?
I decided on a whim to take a pregnancy test– my cycle wasn’t due for another day but I’ve always been sensitive to the pregnancy hormone. In my previous three pregnancies, I had tested 4 days early and been greeted with dark lines. There was no questioning the validity of the test indeed being positive those times.
My husband and I weren’t actively trying for a second child but as I waited for the little line to appear or not, that old familiar feeling of hope settled in. It had been there for my son’s positive test. That feeling had joined me for both of my miscarriages’ positive tests as well. That little inkling of…I hope. Could this explain how I was feeling? Or had I just caught a bug while traveling?
And there it was. Staring me right back in the face was that second line. That second line saying, trying or not, God willing, we were going to have another baby.
Nervousness (and Morning Sickness) Sets In
I had experienced extreme “morning sickness” with my previous pregnancy and this one was no different. I spent six out of eight months pregnant sick to my stomach or throwing up, but still filled with overwhelming joy. If you’ve experienced pregnancy after a loss, no matter how early that loss may have been, you know that there is usually quite a bit of apprehension and anxiety thrown in there as well. At least in my experience.
I was weighed down in the beginning, always keeping excitement at arm’s length. I would hold my breath with each trip to the bathroom. When telling close friends, I would put a great emphasis on the “but, it’s still early.” I was leery of when I would have to take my three-year-old to my appointment. What if a routine checkup wasn’t so routine and he was there? As I hit milestones in my pregnancy, some of these feelings would fade, but there always was something in the back of my mind: what if my body wasn’t made to carry a second child?
We Made It!
At 35 weeks my water broke unexpectedly. Just like that positive pregnancy test, ready or not she was coming. We made the decision to have a tubal ligation while I had my unplanned c-section. We knew two children was our cap.
There’s something about the finality of not having any more children that sits with you. It sits with you during those fragile days in the NICU. It accompanies you as you settle in, deliriously tired, at 2 a.m. to pump. It is there with you as you change, feed, rock. That feeling of…this is it. I am overcome with that feeling as I study her tiny features. When her little fingers wrap around one of mine. Our family’s grand finale. The missing piece that makes us whole.
Our Rainbow Baby is Here
She is without a doubt my rainbow after the storm. She helped me find joy in pregnancy again. Every time I heard her heartbeat, felt her kick, saw her ultrasound, that apprehension was replaced with the joy of creating new life. We made new memories and milestones, letting my son know that he was going to be a big brother. Going as a family of three to the gender ultrasound and finding out whether our fourth member was going to be a girl or a boy. There was joy. So much joy.
The storm has passed. This little light of mine is here and I’ve never felt more complete.
