The details I remember surrounding the last 24 hours of my sister’s life are really strange. Like the fact that we bought our bedroom TV the day before. It was a Black Friday deal, but the store was opening on Thanksgiving and we stopped on the way home from dinner at my parents’ house. I’ve always found it weird that I remember those kinds of things.
As we approach the fifth anniversary of her death, I find myself thinking about those days a lot, just like I do every year. This year it’s hitting hard, not just because it’s been five years, but because Black Friday will fall on November 29, the date that she died – the day after Thanksgiving in 2019.
Losing someone you love is hard no matter when it happens, and navigating grief during the holidays can be one of the toughest parts. I’ve found a few ways to cope with my pain and I hope they might serve anyone else on this grueling journey too.
Forget Social Norms
Prior to 2019, I always said I was “Team Turkey.” This meant that I LOVED Thanksgiving and refused to even think about Christmas until it was over. If a holiday song came on the radio, I’d change the station. I didn’t start shopping for friends and family until at least the first of December. And, I would NEVER decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving.
The first Christmas after she died, I don’t remember doing any of those things. Everything from that time is foggy. The second year, I had a newborn baby and surviving the holidays was all I could do. In the years that followed, I realized that decorating could be a challenge around the date of her death. If I waited too long, I felt guilty for being a Grinch.
So, last year I threw out my hard stance on decorating after Thanksgiving and did it the week before. I decided that life is precious and short and you don’t need arbitrary rules around a season for family. I give myself permission to put up the tree when I feel the Christmas spirit, even if that’s before Thanksgiving.
The holidays are hard for many people, for many reasons. Someone’s decision to decorate is all about what brings them joy, and that’s a precious commodity when you’re experiencing grief.
Commemorate and Celebrate
My love of Thanksgiving is one I shared with my sister. Each year we would sing renditions of Adam Sandler’s ‘The Thanksgiving Song‘ together. On the years we were apart on Thanksgiving, including in 2019 while she was in the hospital, we’d send each other the video of him singing it on SNL. Now, I start Thanksgiving morning listening to that song and smiling. I think this year I will share the video with my son and tell him how Aunt Erin and I sang this song when we were young.
Being that this is the fifth year since she passed, I want to do something bigger to commemorate and remember her. I’m getting the word ‘Perseverance’ tattooed on my foot. It’s a tattoo she got in 2014 to remind her to persevere through the struggles of her illness. I’m getting it to remind myself not only of her perseverance, but my own as I navigate my life without her.
Finding ways to incorporate your loved one during the holidays can be tricky. You risk it pulling you deeper into your feelings. I’ve spent a lot of time working on the co-existence of grief and joy and how you can hold space for both, especially during the holidays. Allow yourself the time to feel everything you need to.
Resources to Help
Grief is complicated. When you throw in a “traditionally joyous occasion” like holidays, it can feel nearly impossible to overcome. You can’t, and shouldn’t, face it alone. Having someone to talk to during the difficult times can be incredibly helpful. However, not everyone has a therapist, or someone they can confide in, so there are other resources which can ease the pain.
I found some Facebook groups specifically for sibling loss to be helpful. Reading about others’ journeys helped me realize that I am not alone. There are others who understand what I am going through. Another great resource from Ele’s Place is a Holidays Tips for Grieving Families. While Ele’s Place is traditionally a support group for children, you can find great resources on their website to help anyone navigating grief.
I never understood grief until I had someone to consistently grieve. It’s a feeling that ebbs and flows, intensifying and weakening like a storm. While five years is a long time, losing my sister can still feel like it was yesterday. Finding resources that help me, ways to celebrate her, and giving social norms the middle finger, have all been ways I’ve learned to cope. If you are grieving a loved one during the holidays, my heart goes out to you. While your journey is your own, know that you are not alone.
