Being in a divorced family is sometimes such a heartbreaking scenario (and sometimes for good and safe reasons). But other times, it becomes a battle, a fight for custody in spite of the other. Words of disgust and disappointment fall on small ears and they then know the feelings of each parent in regard to the other. I’m thankful that, even in the darkest times of our divorce, that was never the case for us.

However, when I started dating, I felt so uneasy. It was weird. We had a frank conversation and I had promised that I would be honest and communicate about a relationship if our kids were to meet another man. I wanted him to know first. I knew it would be hard to know the kids were meeting someone else, so it was just a reminder that he’d always be their dad.

Priorities? Aligned.

When I first got a message from my now boyfriend, it was literally like a screening of some sort. And honestly, that was the first indication that we were on the same page and had the same priorities. Before I could even answer, I got another message that said, “Because I have a son. So I’m not looking to waste my time or involve him in anyone’s life that isn’t serious.” Like, come on. YES! This was precisely my train of thought. There was no way that my kids were going to be introduced to anyone if they weren’t going to be in my life long-term.

I responded with my answers to his questions and we instantly found out we were on the same page. We were both parents, and it was understood that our kids will always come first. In fact, it took a few days for him to respond again because it was baseball season. At the time, he worked nights and was juggling sleeping during the day, getting up to get his son from school, and then head to practices and games.

We actually felt so strongly about our direction and priorities in life, we met and brought our kids with us. Luckily for me, that was the one and only man my kids met.

Here’s to the Bonus Dads

Being a bonus parent is no easy task. Finding the balance between being a parent figure when the kids are with us half time and with their dad the other time is challenging; especially when different parenting styles are involved.

Perhaps the most significant moment of realizing this whole step-parent/bonus dad role was during this quarantine. As I was faced with working remotely full time, with my kids’ dad being a corrections officer and being exposed to COVID-19, we were forced to make the decision to keep the kids full time for an unknown period of time. It ended up being nine weeks before we reunited them.

During this time, my boyfriend was laid off and took on the full time step-parent role while I worked nine or more hours a day. While this was the most challenging time for all of us, I think it showed us ALL that we can make a great team. My childrens’ father felt secure knowing the kids were being taken care of and had someone to be with them while I was on the phone and working during the day, and I had the support and help from him, too. For my boyfriend, I know it was not easy. But, I think it created new relationships for him and the kids as well.

Facebook Official

I’ve written before about how my bonus son’s mother and I have created our own friendship. For the past couple years, I hoped there would be a day when my boyfriend and ex-husband would make this same effort. I understand it may be uncomfortable; they don’t see it as an important thing, perhaps. But for me? It means everything. I want my children to never feel divided but to know they have a dad who loves them unconditionally and a bonus dad that will always be there to cheer them on, too. But I had mentioned it a couple times, and it was always just kind of brushed off.

I just needed to give it time. One day, we were unloading (or going to attempt to) a new toolbox. There was no way I could help do it, and my ex-husband was on his way home from work—he lives about 10 minutes from us. I suggested that I could ask him for help, and my boyfriend said ok. So, I called my ex and he immediately said he’d be there in five minutes. What? My ex-husband, making a special trip over just to help us unload a new toolbox I had just bought my boyfriend for his birthday. This was the first step.

I watched as they shook hands, chatted, and called each other ‘man’ (that’s a guy thing, right?). From there, it all started to evolve.

Now, they’re Facebook friends and are planning a riding trip together with some other guys. Never did I think this would happen, but how great is it that they, too, can build a friendship?

In it Together

So thank you. Thank you both for being the best father figures to our kids. Thank you for your maturity. Thank you for supporting each other as dads. Thank you for going out of your way to create a friendship and mutually understanding. Thank you for being you.